Downton Abbey review: Series 3 Episode 1

© ITV; Image credit: ITV

“Have you done something jolly with your hair?”

I’m going to write that on a card, laminate it and stick it to my mirror to cheer me up on those cold, dark, Northern Irish winter mornings.

Ahem. Anyway. Downton Abbey is back, and it’s as nuts as ever. Thankfully, it’s also as glorious as ever, too, and now  with added Shirley Maclaine.

The main story was, always and forever, Matthew and Mary. After a ridiculous, beautifully cheesy Christmas proposal in the snow, our return to the Abbey saw their wedding day almost upon us, actually, really, honestly. Of course, even from beyond the grave, St Lavinia of Ginger managed to nearly screw things up. Due to a series of unfortunate deaths (one of which was attributed to the same epidemic that killed Lavinia, in a moment of deliciously lazy plotting), Matthew discovered that he may inherit all her father’s money. Which is lucky, as a poor investment on Lord Grantham’s part has wiped most of Downton’s money, so a large fortune would come in handy right about now. But Matthew, being the noble soul that he is, refused to even consider using poor St Lavinia’s money to save Downton, as he still feels responsible for her death. Mary took this as proof that he would never truly care about the Abbey the way she did, which once again left their wedding in doubt. Thankfully, a wee eve of the wedding, across the bedroom door, talk put paid to this final obstacle, and they actually managed to make it to the altar. My goodness, they are lucky that Dan Stevens and Michelle Dockery are so great – these characters would be insufferable in less capable hands, but they pull it off.

The loss of most of Downton’s money also allowed Hugh Bonneville to make use of his ‘sad loser’ face, which is always welcome. I sat internally applauding Julian Fellowes for not dragging out Lord Grantham’s decision to tell Lady Grantham about the money – I hate it when programmes do that, as it always feels like a cheap way to drum up some tension. Unfortunately for poor Robert, the loss of most of his wife’s fortune neatly coincided with the arrival of his mother-in-law for the wedding. And the arrival of a rich American played by Shirley Maclaine was every bit as wonderful as you could have hoped, as she questioned Edith’s marital status, gave Sybil advice about giving birth and was generally rude about the English – all before she even got into the house. Of course, the real thing everyone was waiting for was Martha vs Violet, and the two dames did not disappoint. Before Martha had even arrived, the claws were out: “I’m so looking forward to seeing your mother again. When I’m with her, I’m reminded of the virtues of the English.” Of their many, many delicious exchanges, my favourite (for its sheer simplicity) was Martha saying, “Oh dear, I’m afraid the war has made old women of us both”, to which Violet replied, “Oh, I wouldn’t say that, But then I always keep out of the sun.” Maggie Smith’s name should just be engraved on that Emmy now.

© ITV; Image credit: ITV

The other big news above stairs (and below) was the return of Mr and Mrs Branson from Dublin. A mystery donor sent them the money to come, which allowed Branson to be all haughty and righteous as he refused to bow to conventions. Well, until Violet and Isobel teamed up against him (with a little help from dear old Molesley), that is, at which point he bows to convention and gets kitted up with a morning suit. The whole “oh, old flame of Sybil spikes his drink” scene was a bit ridiculous, but it was saved by Matthew stepping up and asking Branson to be his best man (bless). Sybil’s return to her family home, with her fab new haircut and sexy Irish husband, was nicely played by Jessica Brown Findlay, as was her feeling of being split between her old and new lives. Violet sending them the money secretly was a nice touch, as was the line, "She's a lady's maid, she lives for intrigue." And Edith, finally released from the shackles of being boring, flirted for all she was worth with Sir Anthony Strallen, who I’ve decided she must marry because he really is quite sweet and lovely. Look, if a man asked me if I’d done something jolly with my hair, I’d marry him on the spot.

Remember the time when Anna and Bates weren’t insufferable and boring and, in the words of some random criminal, pious? No, I don’t either. Anna was such a great character in the first series, before they got bogged down in the star-crossed lovers stuff, and Bates was pretty great then too. Now, she just mopes around the house and then goes to visit him, where he tells her to live life for both of them or some pile of boredom like that. We all know he didn’t kill her, so just let him out of prison now and onto a new storyline now. Please.

Thankfully, the dream team of Mrs Patmore and Daisy continued, as Daisy’s frustration at still being on the lowest rung in the kitchen spilled over into a protest, fuelled by Thomas. Mrs Patmore was having none of this: “Oh dear! Have you swallowed a dictionary?” More of this, Julian Fellowes, please, thanks. Thomas and O’Brien seem to have had some sort of major falling out, and her insistence on pushing her nephew Alfred for the job of footman and then hoping to have him jump straight into valet training most certainly did not help. Thankfully, Alfred is pretty pretty, so he’s all right in my books.

All in all, a rather great start to the new series. Long may it continue.